FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
