I need to stop coming to work sober
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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