I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
