On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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