Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
