yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
