Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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