I haven't been this sober since birth.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
