I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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