he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
