Will you blow on my dice?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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