So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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