Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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