Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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