In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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