i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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