I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
