I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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