mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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