I just pynch a tree in the face
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
