i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
We're too hungover to prance.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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