Me too!
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
