I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
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