what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
