Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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