when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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