I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
