He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
