im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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