2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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