I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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