How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
