my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
is wine microwaveable?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
