I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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