Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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