so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
