he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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