Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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