he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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