He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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