imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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