She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
