Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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