the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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