It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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