i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
