I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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