The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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