Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize