Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
