and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
