I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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