Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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