Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
