Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
