I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
