I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
