my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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